Stepping Through the Shadow

Sorry for the “not posting stuff lately” thing. I’ve been rather busy, and have been writing this post over the past few days; it may seem disjointed as a result.

1Earlier today, I saw a picture that a friend had taken of some drag queens, and it struck me as a really bad picture. It was because they weren’t smiling–their mouths were open, but that’s not the same as smiling. Take a look some time: 90% of people you’ll see in pics aren’t smiling; they’re grimacing with their mouths open. When people ask why I don’t smile in pics, that’s why. I’d rather wear a natural expression than open my mouth in a “smile.”

I sent the picture to my colleague–my main colleague, and very good friend. He was to be the last person to know. You’ll see that I said “was.” That’s because in his reply he asked if I’m interested in cross dressing/cross dressers, saying he’d been wanting to ask since I considered pulling a prank on my uncle by showing up at his church looking not like myself but like an obvious man in drag. It’s complicated, but I didn’t do it; I did, however, send one of the pics to my colleague.

I told him “Yes,” but also said that I’m not really a cross dresser, but that’s as good a way as any to characterize it for the time being, as long as he knew that wasn’t really the case. And as I knew he would when I answered affirmatively, he replied that he didn’t care what I do outside of work, and then started talking about my tattoos.

Without that hanging over my head, that’s everyone who needs to know. The colleague and I can cross the work problem when we have to, but I can continue working as a male for several more months at least. There will come a time when I won’t be able to, but I can now and have enough going on without addressing issues before they have to be addressed.

There is officially no one from whom I must hide, and there was clearly some extra bounce in my steps yesterday. I’ve also been stretching out a bit, because I think it’s in my best interests to try lots of things. I did do a lot of wild stuff from 18 to 20 or so, but my options were really limited. I couldn’t experience how it felt to be myself and have a guy make love to me; in fact, I never experienced anything remotely close to that. The only guy I’ve ever been with was a straight guy who was ultimately just horny, not bisexual, and he tried to touch me as little as possible. It was awful.

But, really, it’s become evident to me that I don’t really know what I want. I’ve known for years that I don’t know what I want out of life, but the idea in my head of what it would feel like emotionally to experience that is certainly tempting; I just have to be careful not to build the expectations to something that reality could never meet. But since I don’t know what I want, it just makes sense to try some things that seem like I would enjoy.

But I live in Mississippi, and just a few years ago, some poor gay kid was tortured, raped, and killed just a few miles from where I live. Last night I was going to meet this guy I found in craigslist, and I had a bit of a hard time finding his house. It was night, and I’m not overly familiar with the area, which was kinda secluded and dark. As I approached, a large white truck pulled into his driveway, waited a moment, and then pulled out.

Since I wasn’t sure that was his driveway, and since there was a truck in the way, I drove up to another street and turned around. It was 9:30 at night in a dark neighborhood, and a truck used his driveway as a turnaround at exactly the time I was supposed to arrive; I’d just texted him and told him I was turning into his road, after all. A moment later, I came through again, looking for the pale green light he’d said would be on–and it wasn’t on.

I went forward and parked momentarily in a parking lot while my phone recovered from an app crash and hot reboot. When it came back up, I responded to his texts, made up some bullshit, and said I was now heading back, and was just right up the street. I waited a few seconds, then drove toward his house again. The white truck again, at that exact moment, used that driveway as a turnaround. Two times, almost immediately after texting and telling him I was almost there, a white truck pulled into his driveway, effectively blocking it.

Needless to say, the bizarre coincidence of someone using that exact driveway at that exact moment as a turnaround (given that they were less than 100 yards from somewhere that would have been much more effective as a turnaround) was enough to give me pause, but when it happened again, I knew better than to proceed. Everything may have been perfectly ordinary, but I’m not gonna risk that. This isn’t the first time this guy rang my warning alarms either, it’s worth noting.

As I left, there was another vehicle sitting in the parking lot, exactly where I’d been moments before.

So that was interesting.

I do have to admit… I do rather enjoy the attention I’m getting from guys. I’m not sure that I’m really interested, because I can’t imagine not being with a woman in the long-term, but I’m certainly enjoying how guys are tripping over themselves to text me. It’s a bit problematic, though, because I’m attempting to try being with a guy, to some extent, and none of them seem to understand what trying means. Darling, dear, doll… I don’t want to hear all that right now.

Anyway, my useful-dosage hormones are on their way! 😀

Though the hormones are relatively cheap, a lot of it isn’t, and the certainty of becoming unemployed as soon as I’m unable to hide the physiological changes looms largely over my head, even with my colleague knowing. It is, after all, beyond his control how clients will react, just as it’s beyond my control. And even if there were anti-transgender discrimination laws on the books, it would do no good in this situation, since I’m contracted with them, not employed. Any help you can provide would be invaluable, especially if you just share the page:

Thank you to everyone for the visits, the likes, the contributions, the comments. I’m working on a post presently titled “To Parents and To Children” that I think could be pretty good, but completing it is taking longer than normal. Have fun, and enjoy life. 😀








2 thoughts on “Stepping Through the Shadow

  1. Pingback: A Blog Worth Reading – Michelle's Thoughts

  2. That is something I can really relate with. Not really knowing what I want out of life. From my experience, that is the best thing to do is just try things out. See what you really like and don’t. You might be surprised in the process. I know I was in some ways in that regard.

    No need to be sorry about not posting stuff lately. This is not a newspaper where there is a deadline. 😛 LOL Unless you have one yourself. Just write when you can and us readers will be happy 🙂

    I am really happy that your useful-dosage hormones are on the way 🙂

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