A few nights ago, a guy asked me if it brings me into a dysphoric state to play with my penis. This isn’t the first time this guy made me think that he was interpreting me through the lenses of other people, not at face value, because at this point he knew several things I’d told him.
First, he was well aware of my love for shemales. I believe I called them “the most beautiful creatures on the planet.”
I think, though I’m certainly no expert, that Dysphoria isn’t going to be a problem for me, because I don’t see any disparity between what I am and what I want to be. Those who want vaginas could certainly experience Dysphoria* by having their penis pleasured, but I’m perfectly fine with my penis–
Because I’m into women. And I know that he isn’t listening to me here (nothing like being ignored to make you feel like a woman!), because he doesn’t seem at all to understand what I mean when I say I’m interested in trying things, that I’m not committed, and that I’m not interested in committing to anything. He’s asked me twice now if I’m interested in pursuing something beyond a single encounter, and I’ve lost patience for answering that.
Anyway, my penis is rather useful to have when it comes to women, and what I’ve got going on is a combination of several things. Although I’ve said that shemales are the most beautiful people on the planet, the most beautiful act is two women in love, kissing. There’s nothing sexual about this statement; I simply find it to be of unrivalled beauty.
What genitals a person has doesn’t affect their gender all that much to me, and I’ve got a bit of an ass fetish anyway. Strangely, or perhaps this is the most normal thing yet, this is unequivocally only women that this “fetish” applies to. I’m just not interested in what I’m not interested in.
Yeah, my gender identity and sexual preferences are complicated. Who cares? I think anyone who is truly honest with themselves will find their own to be just as complex. Reducing gender to a function of genitalia and sexual preferences to restricting labels like homosexual and heterosexual is, to me, the strange thing. I’m a shemale lesbian with exactly the right preferences to be drawn toward other shemales, and I’m okay with that. I’m perfectly okay with that. In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I think people get too hung up on labels, and we’re definitely too caught up in binary thinking to always express ourselves within its confines. In the eyes of the male/female people who accept only heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality, what am I? To them, I am an anomaly, a freak, falling outside the system of labels and categories. Since I am just as real and just as relevant as anyone else, what is to be done?
The system must be expanded. Gender is no longer a binary thing. A person is no longer simply male or simply female, which is terrific because this silly characteristic has divided and harmed our species far too much already.
What bathroom shall I use, people of the internet? Very soon my state ID will list “female” under sex–should I use the female restroom? I am interested in women, of course; how would they know that I’m not sneaking peeks (I wouldn’t be, of course, but that’s not the point)? Would they be comfortable with my presence in the restroom? If not, would they be comfortable with the presence of a more typical lesbian? Whose responsibility is it to adjust? Would it be suitable for them to make lesbians use a different restroom?
Maybe bathrooms should be divided along lines of attraction rather than gender. This doesn’t work, either, though: You can’t send lesbians into bathrooms with straight men. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Nor would I want to be in the bathroom alongside a bunch of men who would, more often than not, find me to some degree attractive and would likely turn leering gazes onto me, even if safely wasn’t an issue. And safety is an issue. Within days, rape reports would begin rolling in, and we all know that to be true; you just can’t pull a woman’s pants down to her ankles in a room full of guys attracted to women, even if a stall somewhat protects her. It’d be a disaster.
Should bathrooms be unisex? Should there be a unisex bathroom in addition to the gender-specific ones? If so, how is this different from when whites made blacks use different restrooms? Maybe there should be bathrooms for straight men, gay men, straight women, and gay women? No, we all just recoiled in disgust at the question.
What do we do, now that the ancient restrictions on our species superimposed by religious institutions are being destroyed? What do we do, now that gender is no longer either/or? What do we do when the man peeing next to you may be licking his lips and staring (which doesn’t happen, but some straight people do worry about it)? Maybe we should just accept that the basic human need to exercise these bodily functions in fact transcends the discussion entirely, and that the important thing is simply that you have to pee, not what genitalia you’re peeing out of.
These questions may seem silly, but they’re anything but. These questions are critical. Our society is being forced to reexamine its binary systems and expand them. The impact of the next few years will be tremendous, as our entire species is slowly crawling out from under the oppressive rock of a limited binary system. Nothing has changed with the people themselves. I’d still be me if I’d lived two thousand years ago; the difference is that I would have been put to death. Gay people have also existed for as long as the species has. Again, they were simply called perverts, cretins, degenerates, and executed for the crime of being gay.
Now society can’t simply kill us. That “fall of society” and “end of morality” the religious right screams about? That’s them losing the ability to outright kill us. Only the religious mind could view tolerance replacing murder as a decline in moral standards.
So I’m a shemale lesbian who prefers other shemales. I exist. How you deal with that, Society, is up to you, and I’m certainly willing to ease you into having your collective mind expanded beyond the confines of a binary system. But I do exist, and I will continue to exist, and so will others. The binary system is obsolete, deprecated, and irrelevant. We are as we are, and we deal not in absolutes, dualities, and false dichotomies; we deal in individuality, infinite subtlety and complexity, and an endless spectrum.
I do hate continually plugging this, but it’s a serious issue for me. My new novel is coming along very quickly (about 20% written in about two weeks), and I’m still looking for an agent for my last novel; I’m writing for Cubed3 and trying to expand there. But once it becomes impossible for me to disguise myself as a male, it’s going to be very difficult, and impossible for a few months, to find employment. Any help you could provide, such as sharing the page, would be infinitely appreciated. Thank you all for all you’ve done already:
* This is by no means the only possible source of dysphoria for people, and I didn’t mean to imply that it was. What I meant was that if I wanted a vagina, I would certainly experience dysphoria when it came to my penis. But I don’t identify a woman as “someone who has a vagina,” so that entire line of thought is pretty irrelevant to my case. That’s all I meant.