Gender Dysphoria & Identity

Because I've nothing to hide.

Because I’ve nothing to hide.

A few nights ago, a guy asked me if it brings me into a dysphoric state to play with my penis. This isn’t the first time this guy made me think that he was interpreting me through the lenses of other people, not at face value, because at this point he knew several things I’d told him.

First, he was well aware of my love for shemales. I believe I called them “the most beautiful creatures on the planet.”

I think, though I’m certainly no expert, that Dysphoria isn’t going to be a problem for me, because I don’t see any disparity between what I am and what I want to be. Those who want vaginas could certainly experience Dysphoria* by having their penis pleasured, but I’m perfectly fine with my penis–

Because I’m into women. And I know that he isn’t listening to me here (nothing like being ignored to make you feel like a woman!), because he doesn’t seem at all to understand what I mean when I say I’m interested in trying things, that I’m not committed, and that I’m not interested in committing to anything. He’s asked me twice now if I’m interested in pursuing something beyond a single encounter, and I’ve lost patience for answering that.

Anyway, my penis is rather useful to have when it comes to women, and what I’ve got going on is a combination of several things. Although I’ve said that shemales are the most beautiful people on the planet, the most beautiful act is two women in love, kissing. There’s nothing sexual about this statement; I simply find it to be of unrivalled beauty.

What genitals a person has doesn’t affect their gender all that much to me, and I’ve got a bit of an ass fetish anyway. Strangely, or perhaps this is the most normal thing yet, this is unequivocally only women that this “fetish” applies to. I’m just not interested in what I’m not interested in.

Yeah, my gender identity and sexual preferences are complicated. Who cares? I think anyone who is truly honest with themselves will find their own to be just as complex. Reducing gender to a function of genitalia and sexual preferences to restricting labels like homosexual and heterosexual is, to me, the strange thing. I’m a shemale lesbian with exactly the right preferences to be drawn toward other shemales, and I’m okay with that. I’m perfectly okay with that. In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I think people get too hung up on labels, and we’re definitely too caught up in binary thinking to always express ourselves within its confines. In the eyes of the male/female people who accept only heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality, what am I? To them, I am an anomaly, a freak, falling outside the system of labels and categories. Since I am just as real and just as relevant as anyone else, what is to be done?

The system must be expanded. Gender is no longer a binary thing. A person is no longer simply male or simply female, which is terrific because this silly characteristic has divided and harmed our species far too much already.

What bathroom shall I use, people of the internet? Very soon my state ID will list “female” under sex–should I use the female restroom? I am interested in women, of course; how would they know that I’m not sneaking peeks (I wouldn’t be, of course, but that’s not the point)? Would they be comfortable with my presence in the restroom? If not, would they be comfortable with the presence of a more typical lesbian? Whose responsibility is it to adjust? Would it be suitable for them to make lesbians use a different restroom?

Maybe bathrooms should be divided along lines of attraction rather than gender. This doesn’t work, either, though: You can’t send lesbians into bathrooms with straight men. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Nor would I want to be in the bathroom alongside a bunch of men who would, more often than not, find me to some degree attractive and would likely turn leering gazes onto me, even if safely wasn’t an issue. And safety is an issue. Within days, rape reports would begin rolling in, and we all know that to be true; you just can’t pull a woman’s pants down to her ankles in a room full of guys attracted to women, even if a stall somewhat protects her. It’d be a disaster.

Should bathrooms be unisex? Should there be a unisex bathroom in addition to the gender-specific ones? If so, how is this different from when whites made blacks use different restrooms? Maybe there should be bathrooms for straight men, gay men, straight women, and gay women? No, we all just recoiled in disgust at the question.

What do we do, now that the ancient restrictions on our species superimposed by religious institutions are being destroyed? What do we do, now that gender is no longer either/or? What do we do when the man peeing next to you may be licking his lips and staring (which doesn’t happen, but some straight people do worry about it)? Maybe we should just accept that the basic human need to exercise these bodily functions in fact transcends the discussion entirely, and that the important thing is simply that you have to pee, not what genitalia you’re peeing out of.

These questions may seem silly, but they’re anything but. These questions are critical. Our society is being forced to reexamine its binary systems and expand them. The impact of the next few years will be tremendous, as our entire species is slowly crawling out from under the oppressive rock of a limited binary system. Nothing has changed with the people themselves. I’d still be me if I’d lived two thousand years ago; the difference is that I would have been put to death. Gay people have also existed for as long as the species has. Again, they were simply called perverts, cretins, degenerates, and executed for the crime of being gay.

Now society can’t simply kill us. That “fall of society” and “end of morality” the religious right screams about? That’s them losing the ability to outright kill us. Only the religious mind could view tolerance replacing murder as a decline in moral standards.

So I’m a shemale lesbian who prefers other shemales. I exist. How you deal with that, Society, is up to you, and I’m certainly willing to ease you into having your collective mind expanded beyond the confines of a binary system. But I do exist, and I will continue to exist, and so will others. The binary system is obsolete, deprecated, and irrelevant. We are as we are, and we deal not in absolutes, dualities, and false dichotomies; we deal in individuality, infinite subtlety and complexity, and an endless spectrum.

I do hate continually plugging this, but it’s a serious issue for me. My new novel is coming along very quickly (about 20% written in about two weeks), and I’m still looking for an agent for my last novel; I’m writing for Cubed3 and trying to expand there. But once it becomes impossible for me to disguise myself as a male, it’s going to be very difficult, and impossible for a few months, to find employment. Any help you could provide, such as sharing the page, would be infinitely appreciated. Thank you all for all you’ve done already:

* This is by no means the only possible source of dysphoria for people, and I didn’t mean to imply that it was. What I meant was that if I wanted a vagina, I would certainly experience dysphoria when it came to my penis. But I don’t identify a woman as “someone who has a vagina,” so that entire line of thought is pretty irrelevant to my case. That’s all I meant.






4 thoughts on “Gender Dysphoria & Identity

  1. Well to answer your questions. No I don’t care myself. Your right mine are complicated enough as it is without trying to be the outsider trying to figure someone else out. Unless we are going to have sexual relations then it matters. After all we would like something that is pleasing for both of us when we are done. But otherwise I could care less, since it is not something that plays a role in our relationship.

    Which bathroom you should use depends on you would be my answer. Should there be public unisex bathrooms, well for us that have no problem who we are with and just there to eliminate waste, clean up and go with our day that would be fine. For those people that do care we could have unisex private bathrooms. That only one person can use at a time. That way there is no problem at all with being with other people that may make the person uncomfortable for whatever reason.

    Yeah that does seem to be a problem with some people. Understanding that you are trying and not interested in a long term relationship. Which to me is no problem as long as I or someone else knows that up front so we don’t get our own feelings hurt in the process by having the wrong expectations.

    I don’t think it so much that the gender binary is obsolete. I think if anything as a society we need to quit imposing one system above others. Sure it may work for a majority of people having that system in place, but there will be people that it doesn’t work for at all. That we should work for something that makes everyone feel comfortable being who they are without saying “If you don’t like it, just deal with it”.

    I think regardless of which side of the fence you are on, that is something to me that seems to be prevalent. People are really saying “I want something that is comfortable for me and if you don’t like then too bad.” instead of saying “I want something that is comfortable for me and you so lets work something out that achieves that”. Something that can be achieved I think if we are willing to ask the questions and look beyond our own needs. Just going to be hard to find something that works for everyone involved. But worth it when we do find a way that makes everyone comfortable regardless of their views.

    • Well, my questions were really rhetorical, about the bathroom anyway. Obviously, since women’s restrooms don’t have urinals, it’s a moot point anyway, since no one would know when I went into a stall how things happened.

      I think “Just deal with it” is a perfectly fine response, though, when there is literally nothing being done to impact someone else. They SHOULD have to just deal with it if they don’t like it; just like I have to just deal with the fact that they don’t like it.

      “I want to do x.”
      “You shouldn’t do x.”
      “I don’t like that you think I shouldn’t do it, but I won’t stop you from saying that if you don’t stop me from doing it.”
      “Fair enough.”

      To me, it’s all about live and let live, and liberty. If no one is being victimized, then yeah… They DO just have to deal with behavior they don’t approve of. If I’m smoking pot and hiring hookers and being transgender while worshiping the devil (the only one of these that applies is being transgender, for what it’s worth), then they have to just deal with it. It’s not doing anything to them. They can’t be offended by it, because I’m not doing any offense to them; I’m not victimizing them in any way. I shouldn’t even be asking them to be open-minded and tolerant of things that aren’t hurting them; that should be a given. “Just deal with it” shouldn’t even have to be said, I guess is my point.

      No group ever won their rights and equality by being polite about it, or by sitting around and waiting on it to happen. Women didn’t win the right to wear jeans by approaching men and saying, “If it’s not too terribly much a bother, we’d really like to be able to wear pants…” Blacks didn’t win the right to vote and end segregation by saying, “Pardon me, sirs, but it would be swell if we weren’t treated like second class citizens, or ignored entirely.” There are certainly plenty of moderates out there who can and should be eased into the new mindset, but a huge percentage of Americans will NOT expand their minds without a metaphorical fight. They’ve been resisting it since the 50s, and they’ll continue to resist.

      I DO want something that is comfortable for me, and it IS too bad if other people don’t like it. It really is. I’m not hurting them in any way or doing anything even remotely injurious to them. I don’t like that I’m surrounded by fundamentalist Christians who every year give out notebooks at the school with the Ten Commandments, still have adminstration-led prayers, and give out Bibles every year to students, where there is at least one church per square mile. I’d bet here at home I’m within a mile of six churches. I don’t like that clients threatened to drop me just because I still had traces of eyeliner on one day. I don’t like that I have to wear longsleeve shirts to hide my tattoos to appease those clients. I don’t like that I’m going to lose all these clients in the near future because they don’t want a transgender I.T. tech. I don’t like that if I go to Wal-Mart one random night then there’s probably a 5% chance I won’t make it home, that I have to carry a 38 in my car because nearby people have been throwing death threats at me for a decade (because I’m an atheist, not because I’m transgender–this will just give people a new reason to throw death threats my way). I don’t like having to replace my mailbox every six months because people vandalize my property. I don’t like that one of the nearby churches ran a Judgement House and I watched the person playing the devil literally terrorize a child until the 5 year old boy dropped to his knees and accepted Jesus out of fear, and I don’t like that I waited too long to speak up and tell this grown man that it was NOT okay to terrorize a child like that. I don’t like that this behavior is considered perfectly acceptable. I don’t like the schools here don’t teach evolution. I could go on forever.

      But I’ll tolerate their behavior–I WILL just deal with it. And I expect the same courtesy from them. In fact, I will accept nothing less. It’s not their responsibility to make me comfortable with what they’re doing, and it’s not my responsibility to make them comfortable with what I’m doing. Tolerance is a two-way street. I tolerate them. I grind my teeth and I speak out against it–that’s fine, I’m still not stopping them by using reason against it. And they can grind their teeth and speak out against me. I’m fine with that. But they WILL tolerate it; they WILL just deal with it. Because the world doesn’t revolve around them and their beliefs, and reminding them that I exist whether they like it or not is not trying to make the world revolve around me; it’s expecting basic human decency. I’m not talking about the slightly uncomfortable moderates or the liberals or the libertarians–they don’t have to be told to just deal with it, because the idea that they shouldn’t have to tolerate it never crossed their minds.

      I don’t mean any of this to sound hostile or agitated toward you; it’s not that way, and I’m sorry if it sounds that way. But these people HAVE put us to death in the past. Historically, homosexuals, cross-dressers, and transgenders have suffered more extreme persecution over longer periods of time than any other group. It’s long past time people learned to just deal with it, and they WON’T ever deal with it if we cut them slack about it. I’m not saying that they have to ACCEPT me or approve of me by any means. But they absolutely must tolerate me, whether they like it or not. I am not violating their liberties by demanding tolerance; they are violating mine by refusing to be tolerant. I will not ask politely for my rights, because they will not happily give them. They never have before.

    • Just three years ago:

      July 1, 2015: Mercedes Williamson, transgender, beaten to death with a hammer.

      A gay politician was killed in 2013, as well, in Mississippi. This was actually about 25 miles from where I live.

      Google makes it extremely difficult to search for old news articles because of how it prioritizes recent news (it will give 75 links to the latest news piece instead of 1 link to a piece from 5 years ago), but most don’t make it onto a searchable news index anyway.

      While I am undoubtedly at risk of being put to death, I have good enough friends and family, and I’m outspoken enough and careful enough, that I’m not terribly worried about it. I’m far more likely to inadvertently cause people to accept that what they’ve been told about transgender people clearly isn’t correct–it really depends on how the cognitive dissonance plays out, but it won’t always fall in my favor by any means–than I am to be murdered. It IS a distinct possibility, though, and more likely here than in other parts of the country. Because I literally AM surrounded by these types of people. I will not politely ask them to not kill me.

      Nor will I shove it in their faces, so that’s not what I mean. But I’m going to live out my life and do what makes me comfortable, and they WILL just have to deal with that. I’m not going to go knock on their doors and say, “Hi, I’m transgender. Have you thought about examining your transgender stereotypes today?” like they do every Saturday morning when they ask me if I’ve thought about accepting Jesus into my heart after they knock on MY door. But I’m not going to do that. I’m going to do what I do, and, yeah, they can just deal with it.

      • That to me seems to be a good response. Live your life in a way that makes you comfortable and they will just have to deal with it if it doesn’t affect them.

        I am not advocating the opposite position by saying that is wrong to say “This is the way it is, just deal with it”. I am just saying there is a right time to be passionate and tell people to deal with it. But there is also a wrong time to take that stance.

        The wrong time is when we try to force people to our line of thinking and telling them if they don’t like it then just deal with it. Like me telling a cisgender woman that if she doesn’t like transgender women in the same bathroom as her then just deal with it because that is what I think is right. Then proceed to berate, ridicule, and put down the woman because she was expressing her views on the suitation.

        We need to temper our passion with tolerance and understanding. Don’t become so blinded by it that we think everyone should see it the same way we do. That we don’t become what we despise in other people. By saying “If you don’t like it, then deal with it” regardless of the suitation.

        I don’t think you where being hostile or agitated towards me at all. The fact that you seem concern that maybe is the case proves otherwise at least to me.

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