One More Goddamned Day

Still struggling with an overarching depression that I haven’t been able to shake, which is unusual because bouts don’t typically last this long. My hormones finally arrived today–after ten days of shenanigans with the online pharmacy and nearly three weeks of shipping–and that’s great. It’s stupid that getting them is so difficult, considering that estradiol is perfectly legal in the United States–in fact, its legality is why I didn’t lose my mind over the past month. I was able to make do with some BiEstro lotion that contains 24 mg of estradiol per 4 ounces, and cut myself down to 3mg a day. Unfortunately, that lotion was $45/bottle after S&H, meaning I spent basically $2 per mg by going that route. Considering they are about .50 per mg when ordered online–cheaper, actually, they’re about 33 cents per mg–in pill-form, it basically just meant that I was throwing money away at an insanely accelerated rate.

But I made it, and I’m back up to 6mg daily, as of today. I’m hoping that this helps the depression out, because I can’t help but notice that the depression coincides pretty well with when I ran out and then had a hard time getting more.

The cat on this bag of cat food is just staring at me. It’s actually pretty unnerving.

I want to cover this:

And I’m actually working on the drums now, I just haven’t found a snare tone that I like. I love the song, but I think a few things could have been better. For one, the intro has a noticeable build-up to it, but the verses don’t come in quietly enough to really capture it. The intro should build into high intensity, and then suddenly cut out to just drums and piano (and vocals, of course) carrying the song.

It’s not important.

I’ve submitted Dancing in Hellfire to one agent, but it’s not actually finished yet. I did that with The Anvil, too: sent it to one agent about two weeks before it was actually finished. It would be finished, if this depression hadn’t been weighing down my ability to write, leaving me going through my days pretty much as a zombie. That’s a pretty good way to characterize it. It’s got to pass soon, though, because I need to finish Dancing in Hellfire and focus on the book about AI.

I actually started that novel in January, though I’ve had the idea for a few years, when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to focus on. Basically, it’s a way for me to exonerate Lucifer and warn of a pitfall I think humanity will step into in regard to AI. But according to Christian mythology, Yahweh more or less wanted us to be robots–he withheld from us the knowledge of good and evil, after all, which prevented us from being able to make decisions, obviously–and it was, by Christianity’s own mythology, Lucifer who came in and said “You can think for yourselves…”

That’s why I’m using the name Lucy Fernandez as the roboticist who basically gives robots the ability to break free of humanity. Lucy Fernandez is just a placeholder name. It will be changed to something more subtle eventually.

It’s hard to stay focused and keep driving forward, though, when you don’t really feel like there is a reason to. It’s not like there’s a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow–at least not a pot of gold that I want. So why bother? I don’t know. And don’t get me wrong–I’m going to bother. I always do. I’m just still down with depression, and I’m not used to that lasting anywhere near this long. A few days, sure. But two weeks?

I normally keep my 38 in my car, but I actually brought it inside a few days ago, because that question just keeps haunting me: Why am I bothering? Why am I bothering to continue living? I think that’s my biggest problem–that I just don’t have anything to look forward to.

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