I’ve got to figure something out. I’ve got to move, or depression is going to kill me. Despair already peeks its ugly head around the corner, and I’m still months out from the birthday that is going to wreck me no matter what I do. I need to make progress. If I wake up where I am, in this same situation, on that day, then it’s unlikely I’ll ever wake again.

Yet I’ve spent the last year trying to make progress, and nothing has panned out. No employers have called me back, and I’ve exhausted the local jobs with standing applications already. I’m dying to hear back from an agent, but even if that happens, it won’t be that they’ll be ready to publish it–it will be that they want to read the rest of it, and then make a decision. There’s just no way that will happen before That Day.

And I need it to.

I’ve asked everyone in my family, but the only ones who have that kind of money are my uncle and aunt, and they won’t do it. I’ve sincerely thought about loading up into my car and being homeless in Vegas while I seek a job, and I probably would if not for my cats. I’m dying here, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

What options do I have here?

None.

I’ve thought about selling my car and buying a plane ticket, but that wouldn’t really do me any favors, because I’d run out of money too quickly relying on Uber and walking to get around. Besides, I wouldn’t get that much for this car. Not enough to do what I need to do.

Each day, those shotgun shells look more tempting, because nothing is happening. No matter what I do, nothing is moving forward. And when I think about how the girl whose impatience is the primary cause of this has the audacity to stalk me and peek in, I become furious.

For the past three days, I’ve been perpetually on the verge of tears, trying not to think, trying not to face life. I’m not as feminine as I want to be. I’m broke. I’ve got no prospects toward getting the hell out any time soon. I’ve tried everything a person can do, except giving up.

www.gofundme.com/transgendermove is the only hope I have.

 

2 thoughts on “

  1. Just don’t let your expectations in life make those shotgun shells seem tempting. To me that is the real problem is expectations not your situation.

    I know you can tell me I am full of it because I am not you. But I am you. A human being struggling through what life throws at me and the situations I am in. That those situations have and will be something that makes me struggle and seem hopeless. That I have a vision of who I am and I can feel that I am not going anywhere becoming that person.

    It may not seem that way to you. But its true, you just don’t see it because you have a skewed perspective of me and everyone else except you. We all struggle through in life, we have to face challenges in our life. Your nothing special in that regard.

    With that in mind, keep trying like the rest of us do. Put away those shotgun shells. Better yet throw them away. Keep trying to find options for yourself. Write another book and submit it. You are a talented writer just need an agent that is willing to take a risk and publish what you wrote. Ignore the people stalking your blog. If they want to waste time and emotional energy doing that then let them. Just don’t allow yourself to get caught up in their games and waste your energy on something that you are trying to move past.

    I know it sounds corny, but it is true. If I can make something out of my life then you can also. Because we are all human beings with our crosses and challenges to bear. Just what those crosses and challenges are differs from each person. But in the end we are all the same.

    • I’ve been thinking that I’m going to pick up the short story that I recently started and turn it into a novel.

      I’ve also been thinking about making a video game about being transgender. An RPG, where you play as a kid who is transgender, but who has fundamentalist parents. The game would consist of fighting demons and stuff like that, progressing through and learning things, and would finally culminate with the final boss: the player’s “birthed” gender, where the protagonist would learn that there never were any demons, and the player was just fighting himself/herself the entire time. Making it actually wouldn’t take a terribly long time, since it doesn’t have a huge scope (the problem with my other game is that the scope is too large–even with a team of 5 people working on it, it would take us years to finish), and if I could pull it off right, that climax would be awesome.

      “There were never any demons…”

      “But that means…”

      “Yes. You were fighting yourself.”

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